My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I AM VODKA MAN
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
