The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
