My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
