nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
