The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize