my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize