I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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