I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize