just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
