just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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