You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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