What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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