Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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