dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
