I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
