i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
