1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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