I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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