theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
