And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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