Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
