yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
