I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
