What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize