Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
