I don't usually arrange sex via text message
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize