im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
