His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
