You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
