Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
