You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
