Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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