Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
