Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
