just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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