I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
