Soap is not a condiment
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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