I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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