her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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