No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
