Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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