Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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