I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize