Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
