i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
