what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
