Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
