im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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