No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize