just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
