please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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