ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
