Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Pants are for mortals
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
