I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
