Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize