Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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