they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
