Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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