I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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