life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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