Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
