She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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