I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
