Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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