mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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