I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
