My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
