he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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