remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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