Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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