Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
